DEAR FAMILY/ACQUAINTANCES/CO-WORKERS/
PEOPLE I'M FORCED TO CORRESPOND WITH DUE TO DNA . . . ER, AUNT AGATHA/
FRIENDS/ROMANS/COUNTRYMEN

The year started off with "Extremities," a wonderful little play about a would-be rapist and the zany antics that result in him being confined to a fireplace by his would-be victim. Like a certain Canadian soap opera the kids love these days, "Extremities" went there.

Next, we had the debacle that was "Ladies of the Camellias." Rehearsals were going just swimmingly when two egotistical divas (I believe their names were Sarah and Eleanora, although I'm sure if one of them, a certain Italian, were to ever read this humble newsletter they'd argue the billing in that last sentence). Eventually, we capitulated and let both hags perform. We can only hope that they made it to Branson, Mo., where we hear they are to head up a revival of "Red Skelton: A Performance Tribute." Good riddance.

In the springtime, some of the inmates were put in charge of the institution. We had crews poking into everywhere, fixing things that weren't broke, and generally messing stuff up and strewing sawdust around. These "improvements" turned out all right because the paint drips mostly disappeared before summer. Speedy Arnold was the only serious casualty as he must have thought he was chasing the Roadrunner into our paint shed -- stepped out into the middle of the air -- made a wry face -- and tumbled into the void. He was able to return to work scant weeks later.

Thankfully, the next group we allowed to perform was significantly more positive (albeit almost sickeningly so). "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" was all daisies and sunshine, a welcome change from the aforementioned vitriolic duo. The closest it got to negativity was a brief suggestion that Snoopy might not be fed, and PETA be damned, we'll accept that in lieu of two uppity foreigners any day.

We also allowed a group of youngsters to bring their new-fangled "sketch comedy" to our hallowed stage. Needless to say, we didn't get it.

"Rumors" was next. We heard it was good (ha ha). The show marked the return of Uncle John, who we understand had undertaken a sabbatical in Tibet. Aside from performing the role of Ernie Cusack, he is also able to levitate.

An...interesting show followed, one that involved the wee Elissa Hadley taming a dude nearly twice her side. In the melee that followed, several cast members were charged with disorderly conduct, three were discovered to be involved in a county-wide meth ring and one cast member, deeply affected by the gender-bending entailed by the show, got a sex change. Mathilda Humphries is reportedly doing well.

A gaggle of schoolchildren was next -- we should know better than to allow a group of pre-teen girls to stay for any length of time; we're still finding Aaron Carter CDs and Hilary Duff posters months later. The group boasted a particularly fearsome youngster, who we understand found love weeks later with a youngster named Damien.

Our year ended on a rather threadbare note. Four Second Stage shows (mom always called them theatrical urchins, although our politically correct times now deign such old-world nomenclature inappropriate) came to stay during October and November. We hid the silver and slipped each of them $20 when it came time for them to leave. Consider it our good deed of the year, even though we did breath a sign of upper-class relief upon their exit.

On a less (or perhaps more) blue-blooded note, 2005 was also the year we discovered a few long-lost relatives. Cousin Will, who we embraced despite his many outstanding warrants on counts of Concealed Weapons in a Coffee shop, has made his way into our lives, and we keep him around because of his predisposition to swiffering. He brought with him Little Baby Allison. He assures us she is potty trained. Only time can tell. It's been a tip-top year for our family, and we hope you and yours have had an equally wonderful time of it. Don't forget, some British impresario is supposed to bring in his menagerie this coming January. We'll be sure you hear more about that. Happy Holidays.

Academia Nuts -- say it out loud.

Laughter abounds as four people hunt for a lost manuscript by influential poet E.R. Lennox, scheming, cheating & falling in love on the way. The discovery of the manuscript & the revelation of its surprising secret provide a hilarious climax to this urbane & quick-witted adult comedy by the author of the popular farce. This is the first Main Stage production of 2006 at Town & Gown. The play was written by Gregg Kreutz and is directed by Steve Elliott-Gower. Academia Nuts plays Jan. 20 through Jan. 22 and Jan. 26 through Jan. 29, 2006. For more information, Visit the Town & Gown home page.